9/13/04 by oldestgenxer

Okay, now bear with me, because the concept of time travel is full of paradoxies and contradictions, not to mention problems with grammar. That is why it has taken so long for this news story to come to the forefront, and even so, the details are still unclear. But I am here to straighten it all out, as best I can.

Bill Gates, at the behest of the evil republicans in the RNC, was tricked into building a time machine and travelling back in time. They came to him using a pre-programmed Steve Jobs Clone. The SJC informed him that Linux was going to merge with Casio, and be in the perfect position to develop time travel. This new company, Lin-io, would then go back in time, change the early pc history so that ibm would use the linux operating system, and thus destroy Microsoft before it's inception. Apparanty, they had watched Star Trek: First Contact.
So Bill Gates is entrusted with a mission, he builds a time machine, and travels back to the year 1973 with a Dell pc and HP printer. He finds his younger self, explains the situation, and the young BG helps the old BG make his way to Darpa, to ensure the use of their technology, and they make a deal with the government. Some of these names may sound familiar: George Bush Sr., head of CIA, Gerald Ford, president, and Dick Cheney, who was serving in some mysterious capacity in the shadow government. Having secured the deal, bound in blood and witnessed by all, including Satan, the Old Bill Gates comes back, and the young Bill Gates is left with his complete agenda. It is a formidable task, but he knows he will be a quadzillionaire when this is over. Plus, only the winners get to go back and change things, so he goes over to Linus Tovald's house and gives him 12 hits of acid.
The government, meanwhile, has made a deal that gives them certain assurances also, and some lovely parting gifts. The Dell pc and HP printer wind up in the Texas office of some Air National Guard Officer because of a favor owed to him for keeping a certain young pilot from being drafted.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.