1/10/04 by phil

Hello fellow reader,

If you're like me, you like to read reviews of movies before you go to see them to make sure they won't be a waste of your time. Unfortunately, if you were thinking of seeing Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, the reviews you read may have deterred you from seeing this movie. What a tragedy, because this film is a cinematic gem! I will be discussing all my favorite parts of the movie (--pretty much the whole thing!), so if you don't like spoilers you may not want to read any further. Proceed to your favorite movie store and purchase this instant classic!

From the opening fanfare on, you know this movie is destined to be a classic, just like all the other Star Wars. If you loved the original trilogy, then you WILL like this movie! This movie starts off with the traditional fanfare of the original trilogy and has you on the edge of your seat in seconds -- someone is trying to kill the beautiful Natalie Portman!

Introduce Anakin Skywalker (a.k.a. Lil Romeo): he's the awesomest Jedi Knight ever (remember his insane midichlorian count?), and he's been assigned to protect Natalie! However, he cannot protect her from his heart, which has been wildly beating out of his chest for the last nine years. Given the hunk-a-licious nature of Lil Romeo, it's a good thing that Obi-wan Kenobi is there to keep him in check or else this movie would devolve into a lovefest between Romeo and Natalie (which probably wouldn't be that bad, either, except that peeping tom Obi-wan would be constantly in the way).

Obi-wan Kenobi is Anakin's Jedi Master, who instructs him in the ways of the force (although Anakin seems to be handling things quite well). Obi-wan is the Bon Jovi of Jedi -- has the appearance and potential to rock, but never delivers. He also seems to be naggy, as he doesn't like flying (while Anakin is friggin awesome at it), and he is always telling Romeo to slow down around Natalie. Obi-wan serves as the "yin" to Anakin's "wang."

Now, this is just me, but I really think Anakin should ditch Obi-wan's advice, especially on love. How many chicks do you see hanging around that old geezer? Well, if the DVD edition of the movie is any indication, the answer is NONE. So go for it, Ani!

Anyway, I think Lil Romeo has followed my advice, because he pursues Natalie with a sexy vengeance. The two share many cute and romantic scenes, like where Natalie realizes that he has grown up since she last saw him years ago. One of the guards makes the comment, "I'd be more worried about HER doing something!" -- which just goes to prove my point that Anakin is a chick magnet.

Anyway, there's a really awesome chase scene right after the wicked assassin slug scene that captures the special effects of the century award, in my book. It's full of mystery, action, and witty banter! Anakin is able to defy the laws of physics like only a Jedi could. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say there's some freaky stuff going on in this galaxy and it's up to Obi-wan and Lil Romeo to investigate.

Before leaving, they stop by a robot diner. I only mention this to say that if you ever get to visit the future, check these places out. They are full of weird looking aliens, but the waitresses run around and order "Jedi Juice" -- just like you can at a real diner today! Oh and the libraries in the future are just like libraries today, except instead of microfiche and microfilm, they have holograms! Freakin awesome, man!

Anyway, our main two lovebirds keep carrying on, and Star Wars Episode II delivers on a classic love theme: the FORBIDDEN LOVE! Apparently Jedi are forbidden from having relationships (or they are just losers, like Obi-wan). However, Lil Romeo's sex appeal plus his telekinetic powers make him a Must Have for every sexy intergalactic senator, Natalie included. George Lucas is able to deftly carve out a romantic plotline to make Episode II the greatest love story of our time!

However, on another missing planet, the aliens from A.I. (the Spielberg flick) are preparing a clone army. Clone army production is very similar to beef and chicken production on feedlots in America. Except they make soldiers instead of low-quality meat. Anyway, Obi-wan nearly gets smoked by a guy in a metal suit, who starts to get away. Obi-wan pursues him, only to almost get killed again because he is a crappy flyer.

Somehow most of the characters end up at some kind of factory, which is really awesome. It's loaded with mechanical cranes and conveyor belts. It reminded so much of a video game! First, you must go up against weaker enemies whilst trying to navigate the belts and machinery. Then, the bigger guns come out. The protagonists end up in more trouble and are carted into...

The Arena of Death! Now I've never seen Gladiator, but all I know is that this scene in Star Wars is so flawlessly executed that it is really unnecessary to see that slop with Russell Crowe. The Star Wars scene reminds me of the olden days when people would sit around and gladiate for the emperor and the rest of the citizens. Natalie is looking convincingly hot in her attire during this part. Eventually our good friends C3PO and R2 return for some bits of comedic genius.

Our action relocates to another site, where Obi-wan and Lil Romeo are hunting down a perp. They catch up with him (Saruman), and begin to attack. However, Obi-wan just sits back like a sissy and doesn't actually do crap, while Anakin is on the front lines like the brave and noble Jedi that he is. Yoda comes along for a rocking scene that will make your heart race. That is all I can say about that.

Sadly, the movie must come to an end, although they do give you over two hours of comedramaction, which is sure to please. Allow me to say that it leaves of poised for Episode III, while still giving the satisfaction of a complete movie (not like a lot of "Stay Tuned..." deals).

Unfortunately, I can only give this two thumbs up because I only have two thumbs! However, I'll assume you, the reader, have two thumbs so we can officially give this movie FOUR THUMBS UP!