9/1/05 by scott

For a long time now, my my selection of pants that are suitable for work wear has been running a little low. I don't usually care too much about buying clothes when I could spend that money on other more important things, like video games or music. Consequently, I've been wearing pants that are a little frayed around the edges all summer. So the other day I decided to actually run out to the mall and buy a couple of pairs of work khakis. When I bought them on Sunday, neither pair had a crotch that smelled like birthday cake, but by Wednesday, all of that would change.

After I bought my pants, Kim and I went out to SoulSuck-Mart® and bought some groceries. While we were there, we saw a display of candles that smelled really good. One of the many varieties of these fragrant candles smelled like birthday cake, so we thought it was pretty cool and threw it in the cart along with a vast amount of other cheaply made commodities and food items that ended up piling so high that we needed two carts by the time we left the store. When we got home and unloaded all of the bags, we noticed that the candle was no longer in our posession. So we checked the trunk of the car and everywhere else we could think of, but the candle was nowhere to be found. A cursory check of the receipt confirmed that I had paid for the candle, but subsequent searches revealed that we were, in fact, candle-less. We figured it must have fallen out of one of the bags at some point, and since we had so many bags we just didn't notice it. So I figured it was probably our fault and didn't think anything of it.

But later on that night when I went to brush my teeth, I noticed that we also did not have the toothbrushes and toothpaste we had also purchased that night. So now, instead of missing a five dollar item, I'm missing three items that total over ten dollars. I promptly and dutifully called up SoulSuck-Mart® and asked if any of the cashiers had reported that some dumbass customer left a bag behind when they checked out. The lady informed me that no cashier had reported such an incidence, but if the dumbass that left that bag behind came back to the store before her shift ended at 10:45, she could make sure that said dumbass could retrieve the missing items and take them home free of charge.

So at about 10:30 on Sunday night, I went back to SoulSuck-Mart® and got my missing candle, toothbrushes, and toothpaste. By the way, here's a customer service alert for you: don't buy a REACH Max toothbrush. They suck. Every day since Sunday I've been using a toothbrush that has those semi-hard "gum stimulators" that are taller than the rest of the bristles, so you do more "gum stimulating" than tooth brushing. But the rest of my purchases went well, and I decided to wear one of my new pairs of khakis to work today.

Coincidentally, when I got home tonight I decided to light up that candle. Man, it's a good candle, too. Makes the whole room smell like birthday cake, which isn't a bad smell to have lingering around. So Kim and I sat around and watched TV, enjoying the smell of cake, until she was ready for bed. Then she started whining about how we didn't have any water bottles she could take into the bedroom, and I started making fun of her for whining over nothing. I should know better than to make fun of her, because that's usually when I make myself look like a complete idiot.

So while I was making fun of her, I somehow managed to spill the wax from the candle out of the jar and onto my hand. I'm still not sure exactly how it happened, but I think some sort of anti-physics field magically centered itself on the candle. More likely, though, was that I was amazed by the fact that I could put the candle out simply by putting the lid back on the jar rather than blowing it out. After the flame went out, I opened it back up to see if there were scorch marks on the bottom of the lid, which there were. This combination of putting the lid on and then taking it back off produced a sound that Kim couldn't identify, since she was in the kitchen filling up the water bottle and couldn't see what i was doing. "What's that noise?", she asked. I decided to be a jerk as usual, so I replied "What noise?", and repeatedly put the lid on and took it back off. At some point I also tilted the jar so I could see the scorch marks again. I was a little surprised that this action would result in a scalding sensation on my fingers, so when the wax poured onto my fingers I let out a little yelp. Not a womanly whimpy sound, mind you, but that manly 'ssshhhh' sound that lets people know you're hurt but are strong enough that you can supress it.

Kim thought I hurt myself while I was making fun of her, especially since I was mid-sentence when I let out that manly noise. But she couldn't be 100% sure, since she still couldn't see what I was doing. So she laughed and asked if I was okay, and I said, "What are you talking about? You're crazy!" And then I sat back down to watch South Park.

She sat back down with me and we watched South Park, which was the awesome episode where the kids have to vote on a new school mascot because PETA keeps hassling the school. They end up having to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. It's a classic episode. But anyway, at some point Kim said that she was ready for bed and came over to kiss me goodnight, touching my leg in the process.

"What's all over your leg!?" She inquired, and I looked down and saw there was a bunch of wax splattered all over my pants. Whoops. So I tried to scrape it all off, but it left a bunch of oily, waxy spots that may or may not come out in the wash. So my new pants are possibly ruined after being worn once, but at least my crotch now smells like birthday cake, which could lead to all kinds of great pick up lines. I'll leave you to make suggestions in the messageboard. Whoever makes the best suggestion wins a free birthday cake, but you have to be blidfolded when you get it.