1/14/04 by phil

Hello again, dear readers!

Today I bring you excellent tips for parking your car. What may seem quite a trivial task can actually present many difficulties for you and the people you share this world with if you are not careful. I'm going to break it down for you in a way that makes it not only easy, but also fun to remember!

1) When you park your car, please try to keep the entirety of the car within the parking space lines. These lines are not merely recommend parking areas, but do indeed delineate the allotted parking zone (thereby defining the parking space).

2) Be courteous. If you do not park the entirety of your car within the parking space, this means that someone else has to become a contortionist in order to enter or exit their car. Unfortunately, for some people contorting does not come naturally.

3) When you get in your car and start the engine, do not then get out of the car when you see the adjacent car's owner approach and attempt to enter his vehicle. This establishes a definite sense of indecisiveness and/or paranoia. The other driver will probably try to leave.

4) Definitely, absolutely, under no circumstances after having seen the other driver carefully open his door, contort his ragged, portly body and enter his car do you go over and look at a chipped spot on your door. Similarly, do not simply state "open your door" to the driver, as this shows absolutely no tact or manners. Once the driver complies and you see that only the rubber door bumpers barely made contact, and the door was a good twelve inches away from making contact at the chipped spot, you should expect to be clubbed in the face with a footlong veggie sub, bitch. I only have one lunch half-hour, you know.