1/14/04 by scott

I must be a little confused here. I know I usually don't "get" most of today's marketing unless it has those nifty computer graphics to show me exactly how it uses the power of oxygen to lift stains away. But the other day I came across a piece of product propeganda that I found particularly perplexing.

It all began when a friend of mine had bought a pack of Lifestyles condoms. Of course, since I personally do not engage in the abhorrent practice of sex before marriage I had never seen such a thing, but even with my limited knowledge of the subject matter I sensed there was something amiss.

You see, when I opened the little slip of paper, the first thing that popped out at me was the image of some little deformed feet with giant toes, inviting me to 'Hook Up', and assuring me not to worry. I didn't know what to think. At first I thought they must be trying to say that if you don't use Lifestyles condoms, you could end up having babies with, like, giant toes or something. However, if you're using condoms it's doubtful that you would even want babies in the first place, so why would they even put baby feet on the package at all, much less malformed ones?

So then, I thought that maybe this image was not depicting baby feet as I had first suspected. Perhaps it was some crazy sex toy the kids are using these days, although I could hardly imagine how in the world such an oddly shaped device could induce pleasure. After a few minutes of me making some very puzzled faces, my friend turned over the paper, showing me the winking gorilla on the other side. Now it all made sense, I thought! Those are gorilla feet telling me to hook up and not worry. Okay, I get it now.

But somehow it still didn't properly add up in my mind. Why would a gorilla be the mascot for condoms? I guess gorillas could be equated to primal sexual urges, but they could also be equated with monkeys, who throw feces at you. That's hardly what I would call sexy. Plus, this particular gorilla has a demeanor that seems to suggest, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I've been here drinking scotch all night and hitting on the ladies with no apparent luck. Now it's almost closing time and you're the best looking broad in here, so would you kindly do me the pleasure of taking me home and letting me fondle your breasts until I fall asleep on your couch in a pool of my own vomit?" Not only that, but he's also got a pronounced ring in his wallet, as if he's been carrying around a condom since ninth grade just hoping beyond hope that someday he would actually get to use it.

I've been studying this little insert for a few days now, and I still can't come up with a valid point to this whole thing. I guess the idea is that if you're a gorilla that's hard up for some action, Lifestyles is the condom for you. Of course, I personally recommend saving that condom money and donating it to your local church instead of having all kinds of wild, kinky sex out of wedlock, but hey, it's a free country and you gorillas can do whatever the hell you want.