1/23/04 by scott

Last night, webmaster general Scott Powers delivered a powerful and somewhat confusing State Of The Website address to his girlfriend Kimberly, two feline ambassadors, and a cockatiel. Apparently, it is also important to note that he practiced for days in front of a TelePrompTer. Here is the full text of his speech:

POWERS: Friends, members of the apartment, fellow Webdisasterers who will read the transcript of this speech later, and Kiki: Webdisaster is a website that has a tough challenge ahead of it, and we are rising to meet that challenge.(APPLAUSE)

Right now, hundreds of brave American doctors are looking at pictures of my kidneys and bladder, heroically trying to figure out why my balls hurt all the damn time. (PAUSE) As you know, last year my prostate was savagely and cowardly attacked by a ruthless terrorist regime, leaving me in terrible pain. Responding to the call of duty, our patriotic American doctors answered the, um... call, and are currently serving out their tours of duty trying to figure out a way to make the crippling pain between my legs go away. Some naysaying critics say that since all of the tests conducted thus far have shown no actual proof of anything wrong with me, there is nothing to worry about and that antibiotics will eventually solve the problem. But the American people are not easily fooled. They know that the pain in my crotch is real, and that something must be done about it if I'm going to be able to continue sitting down and creating the best website in the free world. (CONFUSION, then SLIGHT APPLAUSE)

I've also not had a cigarette in nearly 3 days. My democratic friends over here say they've seen this before, and it doesn't really mean that I'm quitting for good. And they may be right. But now, right now, this very moment... right now, I haven't had a cigarette in 3 days, and that's what matters. I may be having hot flashes, bouts of extreme irrational anger - Female Ambassador, you know what I'm talking about - (LONG PAUSE) and delusional rambling eposides, but I still continue to put all of my humble patriotic soul into this great website of ours. (MIXED APPLAUSE and INDIFFERENCE)

My fellow Webdisasterers, despite all of these setbacks, we've managed to build a pretty damn good website. (PAUSE... no applause though.)

And the future is looking brighter than ever. We've got great things planned, including a daily comic strip, and a voting system that will allow democracy to flourish on the fruited plains and purple mountains of Webdisaster. Soon, people for yards around will flock to our website to witness the patriotic misadventures of the crazy ancient Greek philosopher Testicles, or to vote for their favorite condom-related articles. Once the Webdisaster program is in full swing, the internet will be a much safer place, free from the condom-article-threatening grip of terrorism. (APPLAUSE)

But we need your help. If Webdisaster is to become the greatest website on the internet, we need the help of every citizen to pull together and post. Post about whatever you want, we don't care. As long as you're posting, you're contributing to the protection of freedom.

I got an email from little Phil H tonight, from southern Illinois. Phil writes, "Dear Mr. Webdisaster: I've noticed that your articles, while completely delusional, are very well written and entertaining. How can I ever hope to compete with your brilliance?" Well, I told little Phil not to worry, we're not competing here. I told him to post whatever he felt like posting, and that's exactly what he did. Of course, our image submission script was screwed up again, but that's because those monks are drunk again just to piss me off because the doctors won't let me have alcohol. (MIXED BOOING and KICKING)

Okay, I can see it's time to wrap this up. So in closing, I'd like to say please send me a cigarette as soon as possible, and keep posting, fellow Webdisasterers! And remember to send in twelve proofs of purchase for your Webdisaster decoder ring! Get parents' permission before dialing.

(CONFUSED MUMBLING)

Yeah, I'm done now.