1/23/04 by phil

Okay here we go with a brief in-depth explanation of a very strange phenomenon that I have observed in the southern extremities of the somewhat decent state of Illinois:

Tanning salons and Movie rental stores. Like ice cream and apple pie. Or ice cream and chocolate chips. Or ice cream and a spoon. What I mean to say is that ice cream is good, and it goes with everything. But tanning salons are not as good, but seem to be prepackaged with movie rental stores. Let us now look at some reasons why this may exist:

1) Tanning takes time, and during this time patrons may be thinking of movies that they would like to see. However, why would anyone get tan just to go home and watch a movie on the television? The television doesn't care how tan you are or aren't. ...unless you're not watching the movie alone, as I most frequently am. If you have someone to watch the movie with, perhaps a tan body and an excuse to make out (c'mon, that's what probably 35% of movie rentals are) do go together well.

2) People who tan want to look like people in Hollywood. "Phil," you tell me, "people who tan are not that shallow. They are just trying to better themselves." Well, okay, but someone is out there watching E! or Entertainment Tonight... and chances are they're in a tanning salon from time to time... and think they are a movie star... which may or may not be true.

3) We can be sure that people are NOT renting movies and watching them while they tan. First of all, I think they put blinders on your eyes so you don't get eye cancer. Secondly, if you were to tan for 90 to 150 (or 180+, Return of the King), you'd probably die. Or cause extensive skin damage.

Okay, so now that we really haven't answered the question, this is where we go ahead and move on and speculate about what would be a better combination than tanning salons and movie rentals. The results are in and they point to:

Tanning salons and liquor stores.

Seriously, you've got my money if you can get me tan and offer me a smooth, cold Corona immediately afterwards. I don't want to rent another movie of Ashton Kutcher fawning over Ben Affleck. A nice Cold One (TM) will suffice to sooth my seared skin. (I should give myself points for alliteration.)

I think I'm going to go find a tan girl eating ice cream. With a spoon. Or her fingers.