1/25/04 by scott

As you know, there's a lot of hubbub these days over which democratic candidate will take on George W. Bush in November. In typical Scott fashion, I haven't been paying too much attention to the primaries, but yesterday I watched quite a bit of C-SPAN and read some stuff on the internet about the democratic candidates, and now I know a little bit more about them. For instance, they all are pretty much in agreement that the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy have to be repealed, No Child Left Behind has to be reformed in order to adequately fund our children's education, the U.S. occupation in Iraq should probably be stopped, etc. Given the fact that the Bush administration's key running platform is based on the outright lie that the last three years have brought about economic recovery, advances in education, and strong leadership in the face of adversity, all of the democratic candidates are looking pretty good.

But it's important to learn the differences in each candidate so that we end up electing the one that will best serve our country's needs. So to that end, I will now analyze what the candidates might think about the issue that means the most to me: prostate infection treatment. So here's my detailed analysis of where the candidates stand on this issue. (Keep in mind that this analysis is based mostly on the speeches that the candidates gave at the New Hampshire Democratic National Convention rally on January 24, 2004.)

Howard Dean: Dean is a doctor, so right off the bat he's the candidate that seems to make the most sense if we're ever going to solve my prostate trouble. Plus, since he's probably got the most grassroots internet-based campaign this side of Dennis Kucinich, the chances that he'll read about my plight on webdisaster are greater, thus improving the chances that something will actually get done about it. However, after witnessing some of Dean's speeches, I would worry that if I did indeed need some sort of surgery to correct my prostate trouble, Dean would spend most of his time in the operating room patting himself on the back and thanking everyone for coming instead of actually doing the operation. That's a little troubling, but I also get the feeling that Dean would have been the one to pioneer the procedure, and all of the other democratic candidates would just copy off of him. Plus, he voted against the war, which is a plus. So, I guess Dean's got a pretty good shot.

John Kerry: Wow. Kerry's a little scary to look at at first, but in a way he kind of reminds me of the urologist I used to go to in Carbondale. He's got the kind of vague populist attitude that makes him the most accessible of the candidates, and he seems to actually back up his claims with facts and figures, rather than relying only on his many platitudes. Plus, C-SPAN actually had footage of him playing ice hockey yesterday, which makes him a winner in my book. And best of all, I actually saw him talking to a guy with prostate cancer, and Kerry said he also had prostate trouble, so maybe he would empathize and get me some good treatment. At this point, Kerry seems to be the most popular candidate,but that kinda makes me think there's something wrong with him...

Dennis Kucinich: There is no way in hell this guy is getting near my prostate. I like the fact that Kucinich didn't vote for the war or for the PATRIOT act, plus he seems to be the most radical, which I kind of naturally gravitate towards. AND, he advocates a universal, single payer healthcare system, which I think would totally help my cause. But he's also got sort of a mad scientist quality. I can't shake the feeling that if he was my doctor I would run the risk of entering the operating room with prostate trouble, and coming out with the head of King Kong grafted onto my crotch.

John Edwards: Pass. I can't vote for any candidate that looks anything like Dennis Quaid. I have the same fear with him that I would with Dean; that he would just get in the operating room and talk rather than getting anything done. He couldn't even remember during his speech on Saturday whether it was 35 million or just 35 Americans that live in poverty. Plus, his "You and I can do it together" mantra is NOT what I'm looking for in someone that is examining my prostate.

Wesley Clark: I kinda like Clark. He's a former general in the U.S. Army, which means he probably knows a little bit about turning his head and coughing. But his speech at the NH DNC rally on Saturday left a little to be desired. The main focus of his speech seemed to be that Bush needed to be ousted. What a revelation. On top of that, I think Clark is pretty much the only candidate that has openly supported same-sex marriages and gay rights. I think that's an admirable quality for a presidential candidate, but hardly what I would look for in a guy that's going to probe me on a regular basis.

Joe Leiberman: Nah.

Carol Mosely-Braun: I know she dropped out already, probably because she doesn't have a prostate and couldn't empathize with my situation. She's included just to show that if you can't talk about this issue, you should get back in the kitchen where you belong.

So in closing, I'd like to say that I guess Dean, Kerry, and Clark all have about an equal chance with me. But it's going to be a very tough uphill climb. George W. Bush has three years of experience reaming America from behind, so I bet he really knows what a diseased prostate feels like. But Americans like me are tired of getting prostate infections just so Bush and his cronies can get their jollies, so I urge you to pay attention to this primary and make sure we get the urologist that can do the most good into the oval office. Thank you.