3/2/04 by philh

I finally broke down and mustered up $4.75 to see "The Passion of the Christ". I wanted to know how on Earth Mel Gibson could have topped "What Women Want" and "Signs" (both movies that I feel are fine pieces of cinema). Coincidentally, I think Velveeta is cheese as well.

What exactly is more brutal to watch? Christ enduring countless lashings from drunken centurions with a cat-of-nine-tails or finding an entire row of weeping Protestant movie goers behind me.

It all started out pretty well, except those Bible beaters were worse than "Lord of the Ring" gurus when it came to explaining every opening scene of "The Passion of the Christ". The sad part is that they didn't know what the heaven or hell they were talking about. I do not profess to be a theology scholar, but I found it particularly pleasing that they were wrong about what they were seeing. I verify this by careful research of Bible text. They later abandoned their habit of giving a Biblical play-by-play of the movie and replaced their speech with about one hour of alligator tear crying. I want to add that people look funny when they cry.

I don't know what is being taught in Sunday Schools across America, but people are seemingly led to believe that Jesus was picking Easter flowers on a sunny day when a rainbow came out and a couple of nice young centurions appeared. The centurions then asked Jesus nicely to skip up a grassy hill laden with bunny rabbits and baby chicks in order to be crucified. We all know the end result, but those movie goers were shocked at what I feel was portrayed fairly accurately in the film.

Now I know that you are hanging on my every word for a movie review. I liked it. I thought it was a decent film. I would recommend it to my friends. It left you thinking and somewhat sick afterwards. To say it is life-changing is a stretch. I think reading the book is more life-changing than what Mel Gibson can crank out of the camera. The people who were weeping and feel that the film was an epiphany are the same people that love watching Oprah, reading Chicken Soup for the Dumbass Soul books, and consider NASCAR a way of life.

Just to wrap up this mindless junk that I am composing, I will officially give "The Passion of the Christ" ten out of twelve disciples. It is worth your time watching, just stay away from those crying Baptists.

*No Baptists were harmed in the writing of this article. **This article was written by a Baptist and is meant as a satire piece. If you find it offensive, then go start crying, you Baptist.