3/24/04 by phil

After over four years together, Phil and Beer have filed for divorce. The couple, who have been close for as long as they can remember, now say they can no longer handle the relationship.

It appears Phil is the one who pulled the trigger on the relationship. "I just can't be with someone who doesn't support my long-term professional goals. Beer is perfectly content to sit around and play pool the rest of her life. I just can't stand the thought of waking up to her one more day."

Beer, feeling somewhat jilted, maintains hope for getting back together. "He's nothing without me. And if he think water's going to give him a buzz, he's sorely mistaken," adding, "that asshole."

The split will be costly. Phil will keep the 30 pounds of excess weight he saved up while together, and beer will be taking the rock'n'roll lifestyle, which Phil says he'll miss "somewhat."

When asked how he will be spending his free time, Phil responded, "Well, I will definitely not be posting to web sites that are read by four people."

Early April Fool's, suckas.