3/24/04 by scott

Take this, mother nature!!!

You may have fish that can switch genders and breed by themselves. You may have lizards that change color to match their surroundings. You may have birds that can survive in subzero temperatures, snakes that grow to over 100 feet long, and cockroaches that can withstand nuclear blasts, but you'll never, ever come close to competing with our ability to make flat crispy chips of saturated fat easier to cram down our gullets.

You see, you may think you'll get the best of us someday, what with our overzealous arrogance and our rapid, cancer-like overconsumption of our natural resources. It is a true testament to mankind's greatness, however, that we remain unconcerned with your worthless environment and continue to develop new and greater ways to consume powder covered corn chips while sitting in front of a glowing noisy box.

Oh, man, I wish I could see the look on your decrepit, wrinkly, used-up face when you see your first bag of Mankind's Greatest Invention and attempt to weep the tears of the defeated, only to realize the only thing left coming out of your haggard old used-up tear ducts is dust. You lose, beyotch! Man has triumphed!!

And we're not stopping there. Now that we've tasted the nacho cheesier flavor of sweet sweet rolled corn victory, we'll come up with even more efficient ways to ingest snack chips while defiling your precious Earth. Then, when that novelty dies off, we'll re-package it for use in extreme sports.

No other species could even come close to humans when it comes to this kind of tortilla-shovelling efficiency. In fact, our scientists at Frito-Lay recently held a contest to see what kinds of ideas other members of the animal kingdom could come up with, and the best they could do was this:


Pringles!? Come on! Who eats their chips like that anymore? We've moved on to eating chocolate in that shape now. Lions are fucking pansies. If they were the real 'Kings of the Jungle', they be chowing down on ranch flavored gazelle jerky and pouring it down with bottled water from France while they gambled on hyenas fighting in a pit for their entertainment. 'King of the Jungle', my ass. They barely eat once a year, while we eat every few seconds.

So don't try to tell me that man isn't the greatest animal to inhabit this planet. We're number one, and we've got the Doritos Rollitos to prove it.