4/5/04 by scott

I remember it like it was two years ago. I was sitting there in a starch and MSG-induced stupor, absentmindedly picking at the remnants of my garlic potato or cashew chicken. I was smoking a cigarette, releasing the deadly poison goodness into the afternoon sunlight. Or the morning stillness. Or evening muzak. Phil was at the table with me, or Kim, or Todd, and we were sitting there in a sort of uncomfortable silence, trying to think of something to say. Or we were laughing at some amusing anecdote or something. Hell if I know.

What I do know is this. I saw her that day. Or night.

SAM Fortune Cookie Girl. How can you resist the penetrating glare of her one good eye? It digs deep into your heart and tells your soul, "that sort of tulip-shaped blob of ink on the other side of my face is indeed my other eye."

How can you remain blind to the great care she takes in bringing her love to you? She worked for weeks studying this stance, making sure that she printed the SAM Fortune Cookie logo at exactly the right angle so that it appears to you, dear fortune cookie enthusiast, to be perfectly straight.

How can you deny those sultry, popeye-like calves?

And most importantly, how can you ignore the totally brain-defying confusion that is created by whatever the hell she's doing with her hand and her mouth?



You see, class, here we have a classic example of the subtle technique the SAM Fortune Cookie company used to take over the United States of America in the early Twenty-First century. They produced images such as these that sort of defy any logical explanation, yet appear normal to most people not carefully scrutinizing the image.

As the American people were slowly subjected to more and more of these types of icons, they began to become confused, lose their will to live, and shave the skin off of their own faces.

*psst!*

hmm?

You going to go that party this weekend on Cherry Street?



Man, that was probably the worst job I ever had.

They had me standing for eight hours straight in front of a giant red heart, holding a pizza box in one hand and a salmon in the other, while this crazy old Asian dude drew my portrait.

It would have been one thing if the thing had turned out okay, but you should have seen this picture. I mean, he's got my hair looking like an upside-down turkey. He's got the salmon looking like it's either a toothbrush or a pregnancy test that's in my mouth, and my legs are crossed like I've got to pee really bad. Which wasn't far from the truth.

But the really weird thing is that he also drew me like a little girl in a dress. Man, I just don't get that Asian art.



Dear SAM Fortune Cookie Girl;

I love you. I want to always be with you, to take care of your every need and desire. Here, let me take that SAM Fortune Cookie menu for you. You just sit down and rest those beautiful little feet of yours and let me stand in front of the heart for you.

And put that razor down, honey. I know you feel like you gotta shave the skin off of your cheeks, but you really don't. That's just something the media portrays as sexy. Most men really like women that don't have giant strips of caked blood for a face.

Just sit back and relax, and let me take care of everything...



Man, it's just a fortune cookie wrapper. Settle down.

Seriously.

I mean, so what? You can't tell what she's doing. She's smelling a flower, or brushing her teeth, or shaving a patch of skin from her cheek, or eating ice cream from a Schwann's cup with one of those wooden stick spoons, or blowing up a balloon, or something else entirely. Put the fucking gun down and let these people go.



Nobody's gonna get this one. Man, this is the worst article ever on webdisaster. Jesus, I have absolutely no creative blood left in me. The SAM Fortune Cookie Girl is doing her job.



I thought this column would write itself. I mean, look at her! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING!?!?!?!?!

But I guess not.



BA-DAM! Cut, and we're out. That's fucking gold. Wrap it up and pack it out. Slap it up, flip it, rub it down. Knick knack paddy whack ramalamadingdong.

Shirley Temple-1
webdisaster-0

END TRANSMISSION