12/12/03 by scott

I probably don't have to tell you not to buy this album, because if you ever come across it in the used CD stores it will soon be filling, I'm sure you'll smell how bad it is for yourself. See, in the used CD store, the package has already been opened, letting the fragrant odor of Maynard James Keenan's self-importance waft out and make you vomit while you're rifling through the Aphex Twin section. But in the store that I bought it (Circuit City), they have it all shrinkwrapped so you can't smell the 12 shitty tracks that make up this disaster of a record. In fact, If Maynard had took a big fat shit in a CD case, wrapped it up and sold it to you for $20.00 on the street corner while pissing on your shoe, it would still be a better value than paying $9.99 for this pile of garbage. At least then you could talk to him in person, and perhaps even have him autograph a copy of Tool's 'Lateralus', the greatest album mankind has ever heard. If this ever happens, though, make sure he signs it with manly Tool block letters, and not the swirly, frilly letters that make the liner notes of 'The Thirteeth Step' look more like a thirteen year old girl's diary.

But seriously, this album sucks. It starts off with 'The Package', which is apparently Maynard's ode to James Iha's crotch. Then comes the radio hit 'Weak and Powerless', which, coincidentally, will be the section you find this album in at the used CD store. It never really picks up from there, it just sort of meanders around with Maynard either saying 'precious' or counting to 13 while the band members purposely keep the pace so slow and mellow that you want to stab someone. I'm not exactly sure what the point is, since usually when bands keep things mellow, the lyrics are meaningful. Not so here, which is surprising, given that the lyrics are usually what I like the most about Tool songs. But I'm not joking, he actually counts to thirteen on one song, like we don't get that that's the title of the album. And I swear to god there's one song where he says, 'fuck the tomato'. There are a few moments that start to rock, like the tenth song 'Pet', but you're quickly left with blueballs when you accidentally hear him singing 'the boogeyman cometh, the boogeyman cometh'. Man, that's just sad. Plus, there's a cover of Failure's 'The Nurse who Loved Me' that does so much injustice to the original it makes me want to puke.

Tool is so much more than the sum of its parts, as evidenced by most of the side projects its members have produced. (The sole exception being Paul D'Amour and Danny Carey in Lusk's Free Mars, which is a very cool CD.) Actually, the last A Perfect Circle Album wasn't too bad, but I remember when it came out, Maynard was quoted as saying he wanted a venue to write some lyrics that didn't fit the Tool mold. If by that, he meant that he wanted to write the most inane, watered down boring pop-rock songs the world has ever heard, well then mission accomplished.