4/23/04 by phil

The new trustability power rankings are in! This is the AP poll - expect ESPN to release theirs tomorrow. These rankings reflect how "trustable" a state is. For instance, how would you feel if your car broke down in that state, or how much do you trust a restaurant there, and how tough was their schedule? These would normally be updated monthly, but it's a lot of work so I'll update it as I see fit, fools.

• 1) New Hampshire - No sales tax, scenic mountains. I like!
• 2) Vermont - If it's good enough for Dean, it's good enough for me. Bonus for Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
• 3) Wisconsin - Cheese and beer: no harm here! (Note to self: that is suitable for a bumper sticker)
• 4) Oregon - You can't pump your own gas, but that's okay because the hippies are harmless.
• 5) Maine - I don't think anything bad has ever happened in this state.
• 6) Hawaii - You can trust all of Hawaii, except for the volcanoes.
• 7) Alaska - I trust the salmon from here, which is very, very good.
• 8) Washington - Seems pretty cool to me, but that could just be Vancouver bleeding across the border.
• 9) Colorado - Quite scenic. The Avalanche still belong in Quebec, you thieves.
• 10) Florida - Retired folk and Mickey Mouse. What could be more trustworthy than that?
• 11) California - Although it has it's moments, California is overall okay.
• 12) Arizona - A pretty nice state, but I hate the sun.
• 13) Illinois - It's been okay so far.
• 14) Idaho - I will not mention potatoes. Damn!
• 15) Minnesota - +5 for snowmobiles. -10 if the snowmobile driver is drunk. -25 if the drunk snowmobile driver is waving around a gun.
• 16) Missouri - St. Louis is my favorite part, and even that isn't all that great.
• 17) New Mexico - This state needs more than wildfires to make it cool. Maybe desert laser-shows?
• 18) Iowa - Lots of corn, and a chain of Kum'n'Go convenience stores.
• 19) North Carolina - One thumb up, say Ebert & Roeper.
• 20) Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming - Please, for the love of all that is good, combine these states into one big state of nothing.
• 25) Oklahoma - Sorry, but you can't trust musicals, no matter how white their smile.
• 26) Michigan - All the positives of being shaped like a mitten are negated by Detroit.
• 27) Rhode Island - Five counties of mediocrity that can fit in my back yard.
• 28) Indiana - A state that will never accomplish anything more than producing Larry Bird.
• 29) New York - A tricky one; I don't trust NYC but I bet the rest of it isn't so bad.
• 30) Ohio - What's round on the ends, and boring as hell in the middle?
• 31) Massachusetts - First instinct: Boston is cool. Second instinct: Wacky people.
• 32) Pennsylvania - A surprisingly disappointing state that is neither Appalachia nor New England.
• 33) Tennessee - Nashville is really nice. However, the cult of UT football permeates the minds of all inhabitants, therefore approach this state with caution. Especially if you are from Florida.
• 34) Texas - How is it that everyone who lives in Texas thinks it's its own friggin country? You're a STATE! Get over it!
• 35) Maryland - Sucks.
• 36) Virginia - Mostly mountainous nether-regions and D.C. suburbia. And you know you can't trust politicians.
• 37) Delaware - How trustworthy can the credit card capital of America be?
• 38) South Carolina - Overall a pretty shady state... and not the "tree" kind of shady...
• 39) Georgia - It's like the nastiness of L.A. was cloned and called Atlanta.
• 40) Kentucky - Something isn't right about a state where most 10 year olds smoke. (Anecdotal evidence from Paducah).
• 41) Nevada - Vegas may be cool, but trustworthy it is not. Minus 10 points for secret military stuff too.
• 42) Montana - Highest Shack per Capita rating in the U.S.
• 43) Mississippi - Tupelo wasn't too bad, but I'm pretty sure that Tupelo is "Mississippi Lite."
• 44) Louisiana - It's like that old saying is true: "You just can't trust swamp-folk."
• 45) West Virginia - It's all relative in West Virginia. Yikes.
• 46) Connecticut - The crappy part of New York that thinks it's the good part of New York, all the while not being part of New York at all.
• 47) Utah - If I was Mormon I'd trust it more. Isn't caffeine illegal?
• 48) Alabama - All the books in the world can't convince them that the Confederacy lost, cause books ain't 'llowed round here.
• 49) New Jersey - Has anyone ever said "I'm from New Jersey" and you thought "Oh, cool!"?
• 50) Arkansas - "The Natural State"... I really don't want to know. All I do know is the roads are so bad I had to pull over because I thought I had a flat tire.