Oh, hey! I was just taking a nap. For almost TWO WEEKS. Apparently while I was sleeping some people posted on my site and now I don't have any articles on the front page. Not only that, but Phil has the top spot, which I must stop immediately. I don't have much to talk about, so I'll tell you about my awesome, awesome lunch break today.
(Of course, since I was asleep all day, this is completely fabricated.)
All week, the city of Decatur has made it their personal mission to stop my vehicular progress throughout this great metropolis. I usually take MLK down to work, but they're doing sewer work for those new projects so I have to go around. My second choice is to go down good ol' reliable business 51, but that's blocked off at Mound road, so there's congestion there as well. So now I have to zigzag down through town or go way out of my way. Plus, the railroad tracks on 51 north are going to be closed on Monday, so that will make the trip extra difficult. It's a good thing none of this really happened and I've been sleeping this whole time!
GET TO THE POINT, JAGOFF!
(It feels so strange to type that as if it's actually a word. I think I'm gonna go get me some 'pop'.)
Anyway, on my lunch break today I needed to get some gas. And that's a real understatement. When I say I needed to get gas, I mean 'I needed to get gas... Wednesday.' So today, my car has obviously figured out that the little yellow fuel light is not getting my attention and has started smacking me upside the head with the sun visor every time I pass a fuel pump.
Well, the Stratus just happened to be in luck today, because I let my buddy Josh smoke my last (or second to last, depending on how generous you want me to appear) cigarette, and I needed to get some more. So on my way home to eat some leftover pizza sandwiches, I stopped at Thornton's, filled up the tank, and got a pack of Camel lights.
Or at least, that's what was SUPPOSED to happen.
Instead, I veered over to 51 because MLK is shut down, and then halfway up 51, I get stopped by the longest train ever to grace the planet. Now, I don't know if I've ever told you about Decatur and its trains, but we've got a real problem here. Every single day, there are more trains going through Decatur than in any other city in the state. And most of them decide to go across MLK between 7:45 and 8:00am, making me late for work 50-85% of the time. One time I got stopped by trains 10 working days in a row. No lie.
Anywho, I got stopped by a train. Big whoop. Except that I let Josh smoke my last cigarette, and I need one SOON.
And the train stops.
Now I'm stuck here, no cigarettes and no gas, stopped in the middle of four lanes of traffic that is locked up tight for five or six blocks. So I shut my car off to conserve fuel, which also had the unfortunate side effect of turning off the CD player, so now I'm not listening to Surfer Rosa anymore. Great.
But wait, people are starting to exit off of that side road, and traffic's moving a little bit! If this asshole in the truck ahead of me would just move a couple of inches forward, I could head down that road to a precious gas station. Maybe if I turn on my signal, he'll get the hint. No? Maybe if I wave to him... No? Maybe if I honk. Still No, huh? All right, fuckass, I'll just go perpendicularly across three lanes of traffic very slowly while you and the people in your lane just sit there until you rot. Oh, what's this? Now that I've turned onto the other lane, you decide to pull forward?
After I killed that dude, I finally got to a gas station, where I got the aforementioned essentials. And I'm not out of the store for five seconds before some lady asks me if I have a cigarette. Then she informs me that she's from out of town, and if I need any stuff, she's got it. CDs, DVDs, TVs, whatever. She's got it. I politely declined her offer and headed over to McDonald's to finally declare this lunch break dead.
But, McDonald's was totally crowded, so I decided to 'Eat Fresh' and headed to Subway. Well, things didn't get much better there, as the sandwich they made was terrible. On top of that, the Wild Cherry Pepsi fountain decided that instead of giving up the carbonated goodness to the force of gravity and filling my cup, it would shoot it sideways, soaking my arm and my shirt.
By now, I'm thinking I should have just ordered Jimmy John's and eaten in the lunchroom. But then I realized it was all just a horrible dream, and that I should shut the fuck up and quit bitching about everything all the damn time.
LET'S GO BLUES!!!!
P.S. - Let's all drop our pencils at 3:10 in Big Dave's class! Round up the Posse!