12/13/03 by scott

So I'm sitting here at 1:00am working on the site and listening to some good ol' J. Mascis tunes. Kim's asleep in the bedroom, and my eyes are getting a little burned out from staring at my monitor all day. Now's usually the time when I go outside, breathe in the rancid stench that is Decatur, and enjoy a Camel Turkish Jade or a Winston Light. I've come to sort of enjoy these late nights to myself where Kim's asleep and I stay up late playing video games and sneak outside to smoke. It's my time to myself when I can relax and not have to worry about being responsible, and cigarettes were a big part of that.

In fact, cigarettes have been a big part of my life for the past 11 years or so. It's a nasty, nasty habit, but I got used to it. I got used to smoking in the car on the way to work, taking a smoke break at work, smoking on the way home, running outside with my buddies to have a smoke break between long sessions of gaming, and especially smoking after eating. But now, as I attempt for the millionth time to quit, I imagine a world where I never do any of that again, and right now it seems kind of empty. The idea of making the ten minute drive to work in the morning seems like crossing a desert for miles with no canteen. The idea of a whole weekend with no smokes seems a lot like sitting in the audience at the school play, waiting for your kid's part to be over so you can go pee. It just seems, well, empty. I told Phil today that I had almost three days down, and an eternity to go. It just seems like I'm drowning and I'll never, ever again have my head above water.

So hello, nonsmokers. I want to join your group. What do you do around here for fun? Oh, you mostly just 'not smoke', huh? That sounds fantastic. While you're doing that, I'll just be over here stabbing at my eyeballs with this fork. What? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep fidgeting while you're talking, but I just don't know what to do with my hands anymore.