5/5/04 by scott

Scott Powers
WD101 - Dr. Sbaitso
5/5/04

Hola Seniors and Senioritas! That's Mexican for Hello elderly men and women. Coffee's only 55 cents for you at McDonalds because you're old. Today is Cinco de Mayo. If you're an American like me, you probably think that your opinions are held by the majority of Americans because you're self-centered. So you probably also don't know much about Cinco de Mayo because I sure as heck don't. In fact, most years I wouldn't even know Cinco de Mayo was around except for all of the beer posters at the bar where my parents take me.

You probably think Cinco de Mayo is just for drinking beer, but if you translate the words from the original Latin, you'll see that 'Cinco de Mayo' actually means, 'Fifth of Mayo'. So that means it's a day when people sit around and drink bottles of Hellman's. But a more inportant question is, "What is a fifth?" And also, how do people drink mayo, since it's a solid, or at least quasi-solid.

What is a fifth? Well, before writing this paper all I knew was it was a measurement of Jack Daniels. I didn't know how much it was. Like when my brother says, "Me and Nick were down at Sassafrass drinking a fifth of Jack, when this big dude walked up and started giving me shit, so I reached back to Texas and knocked him out." Sorry for saying shit, but it's a quote so it's okay.

But I don't really know what a fifth is. I don't want to look like a chump when everyone else is sitting around chugging their carefully-measured bottles of mayonnaise, so I vowed to find out. After looking at the internet for a couple of seconds, I concluded that they're actually talking about a fifth of a gallon, or 25.6 fl oz. I can only conclude that measurement is equal to 750mL because that's how big mom's bottle of Captain Morgan is. So that mystery is solved, and I'll have the right size bottle after I dump out mom's liquor. And to think, just yesterday I didn't know anything about Cinco de Mayo. Mexico is fun!

And now for my second point, what is mayo, a solid or a liquid? Well, some of my friends say that it must be a solid, since everything else you put on a sandwich is solid. That's pretty true, but it could also be a liquid if you leave it out on the counter in the sun for a while. Plus, I'm pretty sure that it comes from cows, so it must be liquid. The Americn Heritage Dictionary defines Mayonnaise as "A dressing made of beaten raw egg yolk, oil, lemon juice or vinegar, and seasonings." And since all the things that go into it are liquid, it must be liquid also.

Now you know all about Cinco de Mayo. Make sure you don't bring a spoon to the Mayo party, or else you'll look like you don't know the true meaning of the holiday. I bet Dr. Sbaitso throws a really good Cinco de Mayo party because he's the coolest teacher in the whole school.