Superpowers are relative

5/31/04 by oldestgenxer

So I am just as capable of being retarded as anyone. I now humbly submit to you NEW information that hopefully I wont forget, so that I can--oh crap,I think I forgot my logon name! But, okay, I remember my password, and I will write it down somewhere, and then you can tell me what my logon name was again, the new one. I should have known it was too complicated--there was a space in it for crying out loud. So I adopted the naming convention that your other users have taken, all lower case, no spaces. Wait, I think I remember it now. No, that's the grocery list.
By the way, your health meter doesn't go far enough into the past for me. I havent had a cigarette since 1987. I have been healthy for over 2 1/2 years. I'm like that guy in "Unbreakable" except I have bad knees. So my knees are my Achilles tendon if you will. And they are connected to the knee, so if you take into account several centuries of rewrites and translations, and the occasional poetic license, Achilles may have actually had bad knees. And his insurance at that time did not cover arthroscopic surgery. They used leeches, instead.
But my point is that I am actually a super hero. And I can prove it. I have a super power. The other night at work, I walked across the floor after they mopped and I DIDNT fall! Plus, I didnt leave dirt tracks, but something more unusual: the floor was actually cleaner where I had walked. To be honest, these are not the super powers I would have picked, and I'm not sure how well suited to crime fighting they are, but I will do what I must, for I am Clean Traction Man! fighting for truth, justice, and no-wax floors! I mean, that and the health thing combined should put me in the club. The Justice league is a union shop though, so I have had to apply at other places:

the league of ordinary gentlemen
the X- chromosome men (kind of oxymoronic, really)
the Altruistic four!

They have my resume.

Ps-look, give me a break here, will ya? This is the first article I have actually submitted on my own. I'm kind of nervous. All of these eyes upon me, judging me. Literally a dozen readers, mocking my writing ability, editoriallizing, and possibly spell checking my every phrase. It is a daunting task. But I feel it is my duty to give you all the unique perspective that I have, which is: I am old. I am oh so very old. And yet, I am young. To the point of being childish and immature. Plus, I'm still breaking out, so explain that. My next article may be a brief biography, unless I forget or change my mind.