Outlet Mall... or... What the Fuck is that? Can we swear on this site?

6/27/04 by mushingirl

On Saturday, after a well deserved night of drinking until complete intoxication (get used to me saying this, I am a lush) my room mate, Steven, woke me up at Noon.
"Hey," said Steven, "Are you up?" Ignoring the narrator in my head and her many smart ass remarks I simply said yes. Steven proposed I get ready to go out into the world because he was going to pick me up in 45 minutes to take a trip to nearby Tuscola and the Outlet Mall.
There was a time when one heard the words Outlet Mall and there was an excitement and joy at the prospect of shopping access to rare name brands at extremely affordable prices. This morning that time for me was about 12:45 (yeah, I know it is technically afternoon at that time, but on Saturdays that is still morning).
As I got into Steven's little black car I could not help but notice how bright that big yellow thing in the sky was. Adding to my almost hangover was the wonderful changes in air pressure we experience in central Illinois mixed with a breeze to kick up all of that lovely pollen. Nose running like a rain gutter after a storm I lit up a cigarette and pretended to enjoy the ride over to Tuscola.
As we talked about our weeks (Steven and I work different hours so we rarely see each other during the week) I day dreamed about what fantastic deals I might find on some despirately needed clothes and shoes (I love shoes). My dwindling hangover and rumbling stomach reminded me I had not eaten since 5:00 the night before. We ate at a place called the Tuscany, or something like that, where we ingested greasy italian food (the quick cure for any hangover). After some conversation about how bad television is we headed off toward the Outlet Mall.
For those who have not seen the wonderment that is the Tuscola Outlet Mall, As you drive in to the complex you are welcomed by a three story, vinyl sided and shingle roofed monument toting the name of the Outlet Mall (which escapes me). This wasted architecture, remeniscent of a suburban triumphal arche, made me think one thing.
What the fuck is that?
My only guess was it was some sort of beakon to serve as a guiding monument to those pilgrimaging to the Outlet Mall from afar. This lighthouse of the prairie had to be visible from at least five miles away on the nearby I-57.
We pulled in to the parking lot where we had our choice of choice spots, limited only by the seven other cars in the enormous lot. I thought to myself, "why isn't anyone here?" My question would soon be answered.
My first clue was the lack of any useful stores in this Outlet Mall. Sure, there was a Gap, but I am not a size 2 or 3 and I am out of high school, so that place was right out. That left me a massive two choices for clothing. I do not count some stores present, as fashion for elderly women in 1980 can not really be called clothing. Seat covers maybe. Perhaps window treatments. But definitely not clothing.
My choices were the Dress Barn, a place that immediately makes one think of high quality clothing (insert sarcastic inflection here) and Casual Corner Women.
I went into my only choice, ironically not located on a corner, and looked around. I was fortunate to find some articles of clothing I liked, so I checked out the prices. I was suprised to see an outrageously high price, marked down in Outlet Mall fashion to a higher than average price.
What happened to the great deals? What happened to the selection? This was a travesty.
In hopes of finding some salvation to the trip to nearby Tuscola I wandered into the Perfumeria. Is that even a word? I guess if you are naming a store you can make words up. I have decided to open a comic book store and call it Comicopia.
I entered with the hope of finding my favorite scents, Davidoff's Cool Water and Tommy Hilfiger's T Girl, at awesome discount prices. These prices were honestly more expensive than those at snooty Hickory Point Mall store Von Maur. I couldn't believe it.
After a demoralizing trip to some other stores where my room mate spent nearly $200 for some shorts and t-shirts I found the only good deal in the entire Outlet Mall, a book marked down from $24 to $7. I felt obligated to buy it.
After a trip to the music store, a low grade Camelot rip off, we went home. While not the bargains you might expect, the music store at least had prices like other music stores in the state. I found a DVD I have wanted to own and scooped it up before the Outlet Mall price cops raised the price 30%.
No more travel through boring countryside to a far away promise of discount shopping. I will happily pay the "normal" prices of stores in regular malls from now on.

Lesson learned

K Jo